Of Grief and Faith

The past month has been a difficult one, probably one of the most difficult ones I have ever had to face. I lost my grandfather and my family lost the glue that kept the family together. I've been meaning to write a post as tribute to him but it may be too difficult. Regardless, this post is about my experience with grief and faith.

Worshipping Him has been a challenge. It is particularly challenging because I sense God's presence most during worship and it is the time at which I draw strength from Him the most. But how do I sing phrases like 'O death, where is your sting' in times like this? When I do feel as though death has won, where I feel as though He has failed me, where I feel as though He is not there? 

I wrote a post some time ago about my daily 'Be thankful' reminders that ring on my laptop and my phone at 10pm everyday because I truly believe that thankfulness is the platform upon which worship should be built on. But even that has been a challenge. What do I be thankful for?  

I suppose I wrote this post out of frustration, being frustrated at God but mostly, out of frustration with my faith. 

But I have learnt through this that I am allowed to question His ways and put the blame on Him. If that is the process I have to go through to ultimately learn to trust His ways and to accept them, then so be it. The Bible says that the Lord is close to the broken hearted and I hope that through this, I grow closer to him than ever. 

And this is my devotion. 

  

BOOKS & THOUGHTS #1 (with spoilers)

Ian McEwan - The Children Act 

Finished this book about 10 minutes ago and it took me about 2 days from cover to cover. I don't usually write reviews or my thoughts on a book but I suppose this one really got me thinking. Just a brief synopsis of the book: 

The book tells the story of a High Court Judge, Fiona, who is struggling both in her professional and her private life. Her husband has the intentions to commit an affair and she faces some difficult cases in court (she is a High Court Judge presiding mainly over family cases). At this point, a case comes requiring immediate attention and she then has to decide about whether to grant leave for the medical staff to administer blood transfusion against the wishes of a staunch Jehovah Witness, 17 year old boy, 3 months away from his 18th birthday. Those not familiar with the law: at 18, a person can refuse medical treatment if he so wishes. 

For Fiona, the decision is easy and she decides against the wishes of the boy and acts in what she thinks is in the best interest of the child- to keep him alive. The boy survives, but struggles to find meaning in his life, after rejecting his religion that almost nearly killed him. He turns to Fiona to fill this emptiness in him, but Fiona, being the professional and intensely private person that she is, turns him away. At the end of the book, we learn that his leukemia relapses after his 18th birthday, he refuses blood transfusion and dies.

This was an interesting read and Ian McEwan's writing was very melodic yet very concise. The story adds colour to the black and white law as we know it and it reminds me that the law should never be seen as the solution to everything. In the same way, Fiona realises that by keeping him alive, against his religious beliefs, she took him away from everything that defined him and she dictated what his life was to be- a violinist, a poet, a scholar. Lost and confused, he turned to her yet again to find meaning, which was something she could not give. After he dies, she realises that she took something away from him which she could not replace and despite previously believing that keeping him alive was in his best interest, his death makes her question own judgment and she is left to contemplate on her hand in his death. 

If I had to criticise this book, I would say that it is perhaps too short for such a morally heavy topic which meant that parts of the book felt like it was just sort of a 'touch and go'. I think the relationship between the characters could have been better explored and perhaps each person should have been given more character. I struggled to picture the type of person Fiona was and I did not feel as though I knew the characters personally.All in all, the book is a good read for those looking for a concise story with a deep meaning behind it. 

Conflicting Media

Yes, the internet is the best thing that has ever happened to mankind. Yes, many of us read the news online and the more interesting ones tend to pop out of the page. We take note of these articles and we take it for what it is.

It is a Sunday night, scrolling through the Wall Street Journal, when this article comes up,

'Annoyed by Loud Chewing? The Problem is You'

and so, I think to myself, 'that's me!' and proceed to click on it. The article talks about how if you're annoyed by the sound of loud chewing, which I am, it is a sign of psychological problems and that there are debates as to whether this is even a psychiatric disorder. 

Fast forward 10 minutes, I find another related article: 

' Why being unable to stand noisy eaters might make you a genius' 

Articles written on research that are conducted via only a handful of clinical trials, the danger of generalisation and the danger of extrapolating data to get the desired results- leads to so many different results. It's quite worrying that it is circulated through the media and people take such articles as it is. Perhaps tonight, this is a reminder to me to not take things at face value and consciously filter the information I decide to keep.

What I Think About When I Think About Running

Excuse the stolen title from Murakami, but the inspiration for this post came to me while I was midway running across the Thames river at 10pm (albeit my 10km night runs cannot compare to his 60km).

I am your average regular runner- New Balance shoes, thick sports shorts, iPhone strapped to my arm with headphones in my ears, white Adidas windbreaker, low resting pulse rate, under-pronator, average pacer of 11km/hr. What fascinates me about running is this- that the way in which I approach long distance running is somewhat similar to the way I face challenges and life in general.

1km in: This is easy. Keep it at this pace and this will be a breeze. I'm glad I came out for this run- take my mind off the workload, get a bit of workout at the same time. Life is great. Wow, London has a beautiful view at night. Who said running was hard. In fact, maybe switch it up a notch, alternate my runs with sprints and increase my pace.

The '1kms' are like the bank holidays, the summer breaks, the rare weekends where there is nothing planned. The times where I can afford to let days pass me by as I immerse in a good book. These are the days when life is so good that I might even try to look for more challenging things to do throughout the day.

2km in: Most people will not have a problem reaching this stage. This is not too bad. I am not as fit as I used to be but I will make it through. The 2kms aren't particularly challenging and they usually fly by without me realising it.

3km in: This is the 'self discovery stage'. Where I've settled in to the run but have yet to find a rhythm or a stride. I find myself experimenting with different speeds and trying to widen my strides at the same time expelling more energy than necessary in doing so.

4km in: If you run in a group, chances are, this is when the group starts to split into a few clusters. Some press on without a problem, a few start to slow down. In fact, this is probably one of the few stretches where the temptation to stop running and to take a walk is the greatest. This is where the test of endurance kicks in. Get over this hurdle and things will be significantly easier.

I like to think the 4th km are the Monday mornings, requires so much more effort to get out of bed with so little in return (the rest of the week). However, if I can jump out of bed on a Monday morning, I'm set for the rest of the week.

5km in: Halfway there! This is not so bad. It can't be. I'm already halfway through the run, might as well complete it. These are the Wednesdays, the midweek. The weekends are too far away to look forward to and there is no choice but to keep pressing on. This is the point where it becomes more of an obligation to keep moving than anything else.

6km in: The 6th km usually flies by. There isn't anything special about this stretch but if I had to label this, I would say it is 'the constant'. This is the stretch that just passes by without me noticing it. Once I find my rhythm, it is then a matter of taking each km as I go along. It isn't that I no longer get tired but it is the point where my feet feel like they are on autopilot. This is when I start to think about things like, 'what am I going to do when I get home? What work needs to get done? Should I sleep earlier tonight? Is that a blister on my foot that's starting to form? What should I blog about?' (in fact, the idea for this post came somewhere along this stretch).

These are the days where nothing special happens. The mundane days where you are so stuck in a routine and so used to the workload that the days just pass by without you noticing it.

7km in: The 7th km is a transition from the more rhythmic and relaxed stage to the slightly more fatigue and stressful stage. The 7th km is the struggle to get back to that familiar rhythm but at the same time feeling that exhaustion setting in. This is where I start to motivate myself to keep going and this is where the real test really starts. It is also the stage where the urge to stop to take a walk starts to hit hard. But if you're a runner, you know full well that the minute you stop to take a walk, all the effort to get into that stride and that rhythm is gone. The knowledge of that is usually what keeps me going.

8km in: This is where the fatigue starts to hit. I like to call this stage 'the Abuse'. This is where I question my decisions in life. This is by far, the most negative stage where I decide I will not do this run ever again. This is where I start scolding myself for putting myself in such a position.

These are the most stressful of days- the days where you feel lost and drowned by this whirlwind that you call life. Personally, these are the days where I am so busy trying to get out of the forest that I often miss out on the beauty of the trees.

 However, despite these being the darkest days, it also brings out the more submissive side of me. This is the stretch where I start to find strength from elsewhere- where I tell God I can't do it anymore and that I will draw strength from Him. This stretch is the constant reminder that I can never achieve anything by my own strength. This is the stage that deflates all ego.

9km in: The penultimate stretch is a tricky one and I think different people approach the 9kms in different ways. This the point where I am not near enough to see the end point, but I know it is fast approaching. I'm tired, short of breath, and probably more overwhelming, is the fact that there is water at the end of the run. These are the Thursdays. So near yet so far. Wanting the weekend to come sooner but not wanting to go to work on Friday.

Admittedly, I am not motivated if I cannot see the goal, despite knowing it is somewhere in the distance. While others may be motivated by the knowledge that the end point is only 1 km away, I have discovered that I do not respond the same way. As long as I don't see it, I am not running any faster.

10km in: Finally! This is the end- the final stretch. This is the last push and usually the stretch where I start sprinting to the finish line. These are the Friday afternoons- the last stretch until the weekend. This is the mad dash to get all the work done.Who cares how the week went? When you hit the finish line, the negative thoughts instantly starts to fade.

Many people find running to be a bore- there isn't much going on at any given time compared to playing a sport. Running involves getting into a rhythm and keeping at it for the next few hours. Perhaps what I find fascinating about running is that I can be doing the same motion for the next 2 hours but despite the constant motion, my mind is constantly transitioning between the stages. In fact, it reflects the way in which I live my life, the way in which I get through the week. What I find is that no matter the distance that I run, whether it is a 10 , 15 or 21km, the trend is the same and the stages I mentally go through are all identical over the course of the run. No matter how bad it can get, at the end of it, all I ever want to do is to start all over again. It always is more than just a run, it's a time for reflection, rewind and self-discovery.

Of Love and Forgiveness

This post has been in the drafts folder for the longest time and I have constantly added to it over time. Perhaps it's time I have the guts to hit the 'publish' button. Let this be the end all and be all of letters to you.

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They say time heals everything,
I think the notion of 'time heals everything' is overstated and highly inaccurate. It's been too long now since that nightmare of a whirlwind. I should have known better, I shouldn't have stayed. I say it's your fault, but really it was mine too- I set boundaries I knew I could not keep and ignored the flashing red warning signals, you even told me to give up.

You told me you really liked me, but that your heart felt empty. You said perhaps one day you will love me just as I did, and so, I waited. I thought I could fix everything. I tore down the walls in my heart, and I let you in, praying one day that you would do the same. I held on, despite it hurting me bit by bit. The highest points were full of laughter and bickers and the points I remember most, the lowest, full of tears. This was all too much for me and I realised, I cannot and am not going to be the one who fills your heart. That is beyond me.

Personally, I try to not let relationship problems affect me very much but this one cut the deepest. Too many unsaid words, too many unfulfilled expectations, too much rejection. Even at the end of it all, there were too many things left unsettled. I found myself in a place I was unfamiliar with.

They say time heals everything,
Yet I find myself back where I was few months ago with every reminder of you. Yet I still feel that surge of anger every time I talk to you or am reminded of you. Yet I still find myself angry at the fact that you have moved on so nonchalantly.

They say time heals everything,
But forgiveness does not come with time.
What I need is not time, what I need is a forgiving heart that only He can give.

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From the bottom of my heart, I hope someday you experience the joy that love brings. 

10pm Reminders

Hectic workloads and busy schedules, day by day. After awhile, what seemed all so new and interesting starts to fade. You then get roped into this spiral and routine that makes everything in the world seem to fade to grey. Then what?

Now, I am not a person keeps a diary of all the things I have to do for the day, because not only do I end up not keeping it up to date, it is more likely that the diary itself goes missing. I don't make use of calendars and reminders on my phone- I go about my life remembering, and often forgetting what I have to get done for the day.

But if there is one reminder that I set on my phone, it is this: every night, at 10pm sharp, a reminder goes off on all my electronic devices and it says 2 simple words, 'Be Thankful'. It is only out of a heart of thankfulness that I find joy in the mundane and no matter what, there is always something to thank God for. Constantly reminding myself of His faithfulness gives me all the more reason to praise Him daily and I can rejoice in it. The joy comes not from me, but from Him.

Unloading

So, I am sitting for my last paper of my undergraduate degree tomorrow. Will definitely miss this student life but I can't wait to get this over with. It's a paper that's weighted 50% and it's a subject I am quite comfortable with but the load of information was really overwhelming. Perhaps I should have started studying earlier but it's too late for regrets now. In the midst of trying to memorise everything, it was one of those moments where I stopped momentarily to say a prayer to God. I felt Him speak to me and it prompted me to open the bible. The verse that jumped out of the page was this:

Matthew 11:28: Come to me all you who are weary and heavy burdened, and I will give you rest. 

I have been so busy studying and stressing out that I forgot I had someone to turn to in times of need. I am grateful for the constant reminder of His love and His provision.